i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
