I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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