I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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