Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
