I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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