why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He shit in the fireplace
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
