Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Well I just put wine in my tea
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
