i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
