Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
