As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
