do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
