The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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