Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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