Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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