Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
