My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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