my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
