Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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