Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
