hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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