he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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