i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
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