So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I think i got beer on your cat.
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