obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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