she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
