oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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