just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
