I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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