Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Sext me about skeletons
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
