She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
