I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
