Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
