Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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