You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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