What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
