The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
