I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
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