I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
