This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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