theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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