I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
