dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
