Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
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Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
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I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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