Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
