nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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