I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
operation have a gay friend backfired
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
