Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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