Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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