So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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