I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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