The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
