i don't like sucking hair
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
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