i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
