we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
