Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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