I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
