Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Never joke about your clitoris.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
