Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
