Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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