Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
