You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
